How The Witch Was Won

Chapter 10

Here we come,
Strutting down the street,
We get the funniest looks from,
Everyone we meet.

The crowd stood silently, mesmerised by the act in front of them. As the chorus began they once more erupted in loud cheers and whistles.

Hey Hey We’re The Fuzz Girls,
And People See Us Fuzzing Around,
We Just Like The Fighting,
And Pulling Fuzzy-Leers Down.

The Sapper’s eyes bulged, his jaw hung open, tongue hanging from one corner of his mouth. Saliva drooled down his chin. His breathing was coming in huge gasps. Yep, the diversion was working. Chip and Dale had the complete attention of the Sapper and all his minions. All that was needed now was for Magrat to have found La Wietch and set her free.

Magrat turned back to the glass jar containing La Wietch. Indecision etched on her face. How could she free her companion. There seemed to be no way through the Sappershite. In the distance she could hear the sound of the crowd cheering. So the diversion act was working. Only problem was she couldn’t rescue La Wietch. She thought long and hard. Well, all thinking was hard for her if the truth was told.

"I’d better go and get Cunobelin. His strength may be enough." She thought, and she went off to find Cunobelin.

Cunobelin was woken from his beautiful dream by the sound of someone wandering around the rear car park. He peered cautiously through the window of the ranger-mobile. "What the fuck was that geek up to?" He thought. Running around the near empty car park, taking photographs, was Bez-Wik, quite happily talking to himself.

"Will you just look at this," he was saying to no one in particular. "Spaces for 242 vehicles, each in their own allotted space, using the highly unusual bright pink line markings. Most excellent."

Lost in a world of his own, he hadn’t noticed Cunobelin sneak up behind him. Well, not until Cunobelin grabbed him by the throat and growled, "What the fuck are you up to, arse wipe?"

"Hey," replied Bez-Wik, "I’m not doing anything." He looked at the huge form of Cunobelin before him. "Errr.... would you mind doing me a really big favour." He asked.

"Depends what it is," grumbled a puzzled Cunobelin.

"Will you take a photo of me stood over here in this car park space?"

Being unable to come up with a reason not to, Cunobelin reluctantly agreed to take a photo of Bez-Wik stood in an empty car park.

Magrat arrived at the pick up point to find Cunobelin taking photos of the geek. They both seemed to be enjoying themselves.

"Okay, okay," said Cunobelin as the camera flashed yet again, "now look angry, more, no angrier, really mad. Yes that’s it. Now give me a Demi Moore look. I said a Demi Moore look, not a demur look, ya bif."

"That was a Demi Moore look," replied Bez-Wik. "It’s not my fault if you don’t know your Demi Moore from your Dudley Moore."

"CUNOBELIN!!!" Shouted Magrat, "Just what the fuck are you doing?"

"Errr..... well I was hoping for a couple of good shots and maybe a Pirelli calendar deal."

"Shut up. I’ve found La Wietch and I need help to get her free. Chip and Dale have started the diversion and it can’t possibly last much longer, I’ve heard it. Worse than that, I’ve seen it. So come on and help me."

Cunobelin followed Magrat into the Sap Cave, little realising that Bez-Wik was following him. Once inside they made their way to where La Wietch was being held captive in the Sappershite. For a few minutes they just stood and stared at the still form of their companion witch.

"She’s quiet," said Cunobelin in an awed tone. "What’s the chances of getting her free but keeping her quiet?"

"Cunobelin!"

"Sorry," he said rather meekly.

"You’ve spent too long with those chipmunks," was Magrat’s sharp rebuke. "Now can we get her out?"

They looked around and once more tried everything they could think of, but all to no avail. The jar would not budge. Just then they heard a loud roar from further inside the Sap Cave. Cheers and wolf whistles could be heard.

In the main hall, Chip and Dale were blasting out the final chorus of the song. The crowd erupted once more in adulation. As the cheering died down, Chip and Dale started on their next number. The plan called for them to last at least one song. That they had done. Now they would try to gain even more time for Magrat to get La Wietch to the rescue car. If only they had known just how much trouble Magrat was having getting La Wietch free. If only Dale hadn’t started to laugh at one of the Sapper’s henchmen mopping up the Sapper’s drool from the floor before it flooded the place. If only the Sapper wasn’t such a perve, and if only Dale hadn’t got carried away with the role. If only...... but they didn’t, and so the act continued, gathering momentum, until it became an unstoppable juggernaut, bearing down on everyone in it’s way.

"It’s no use," cried Magrat, "we’ll never get her out."

"We’ve got to keep on trying," replied Cunobelin as he struggled to move the jar.

We'll Tell You What We Want,
What We Really Really Want
We'll Tell you What We Want
What We Really Really Want…

The second ‘song’ began with the same enthusiasm from the crowd as the first one. Chip and Dale strutted about the stage, buying the necessary time for Magrat. It was working to perfection. Until....

"I’ll tell you what I want, sexy," said the Sapper, as he made a grab for the pair of them. He ran his fingers through Dale’s hair and his other hand clasped around Chip’s breast.

"Come on darlin’s, ya know you want it."

"Oh, you’ll get it all right," said Dale.

As the Sapper ruffled Dale’s hair, he gave one of Chip’s tits a quick squeeze. Not designed for such treatment, the balloon burst in the Sapper’s hand. As he jerked back in shock his hand came away with the remains of a jelly filled balloon. The other hand held Dale’s wig. He stood staring in puzzlement at the two objects in his hands. He looked up at the two chipmunks. He looked back at his hands. His mouth opened and closed several times.

"Let’s give it him since he wants it so much," said Chip.

"Sure thing," replied Dale.

Still in shock the Sapper never saw the punch from Chip that doubled him over. As he was bent over he didn’t see the mop Dale swung around at his head. The mop connected with the Sapper’s head with a wet splat, sending him tumbling to the floor. The crowd was just standing there, not sure if this was part of the act or not. It wasn’t until Dale did something extremely unpleasant to the Sapper with the mop handle that the crowd realised that it wasn’t part of the act, not unless the Sapper had become even more warped. A collective gasp and an ‘Oooohhhh’ came from the Sapper’s men. Tears still in their eyes, they started to move rather menacingly towards the chipmunks. Chip turned to Dale, who was still struggling to retrieve the mop from the Sapper.

"Dale!" He shouted, "leggit!" And bolted from the stage.

Dale left the mop where it was and pulled a handful of nuts from where his left tit had been. Chucking them at the Sapper’s men, he grabbed his wig and ran off the stage shouting, "Kiss my arse you bunch of Sapper shagging tyke goits!"

"What the fuck did you say that for?" Demanded Chip, as they ran for their lives through the corridors of the Sap Cave. A crowd of raging henchmen not far behind.

"I wanted to make sure they followed us and didn’t find out we were rescuing Blondie," replied a panting Dale.

"Bugger that," said Chip, "if we don’t lose them soon we’ll never get out of here alive. Come on, down here." And the two chipmunks dived through a small side door.

They emerged in the rear car park. The ranger-mobile was there, but the rest of the gang were nowhere to be seen. No Magrat, no Cunobelin, no Little ‘n’ and no La Wietch. They looked around wondering what to do.

"Right, let’s get changed," suggested Chip, as he started to remove the remains of the outfit that had worked so well in getting them into the Sap Cave.

"Hey Chip. What d’ya think?" Said Dale as he started to strut about the car park. "Who’s this then." And his voice rose an octave or two, his walk became more exaggerated and his mannerisms changed abruptly. "Look at the state of my hair. I’ve broken a finger nail," he screeched. "And it’s alllll your fault, chipmunk!"

Chip couldn’t help but laugh. "Not bad," he said. "Change the hair colour to brown and it’d be perfect. Now stop pissing about and get changed."

They were soon in their usual garb and Dale put his head against the door, listening.

"I can hear someone coming," he said. "It sounds like Cunobelin and Magrat."

"Errrr… Dale get over here now."

Just then the door burst open and out poured rather a large number of the Sapper’s men. They weren’t feeling in a generous or forgiving mood. They looked around and spied Dale picking himself up off the floor. The biggest and meanest of the group turned to Dale and grabbed him by the throat.

"I’m going to kiss your arse with my hob-nailed boot, you smart arse rodent."

"I’d be surprised if you can get it out of your mouth long enough to try," replied Dale, matter of factly.

It took the brute a few moments to figure out just what it was Dale had said to him. In that time Chip had managed to get something from the boot of the ranger-mobile. The Sapper’s men turned around at the menacing sound of a weapon being cocked. They saw Chip holding an ungainly object rather nonchalantly.

"This is a mark 12 automatic with under-slung Brazil nut launcher. Unless you want a quick lesson in nutology, get your fucking mitts off my brother."

They looked at one another, not sure what to do. The big one who had hold of Dale sized up the situation, worked out a tactical plan of superb ingenuity and shouted, "Get him!"

120 dry roasted peanuts per minute on full automatic were just too much for the gang of Sapper’s men. Within seconds most of them were rolling on the floor in agony or unconscious. Then Chip fired one of the Brazil nuts. Four of the villains next to the big one holding Dale went down in a jumbled heap. Soon the only ones standing were Chip, Dale and Dale’s captor.

"Drop the gun or this little shit gets it," said the big brute with no brains.

"Hurry up Dale, we’re wasting time," said Chip, completely ignoring the Sapper’s man who still had Dale by the throat.

"Oi, ugly," said Dale. And before the brute could respond, Dale shoved a small handful of grey stuff into the thug’s mouth. Almost immediately he’d let go of Dale as he struggled to breathe. His eyes got wider and wider, his face etched with pain. Dale, seeing the agony his former captor was in, calmly kicked him in the bollocks. As he collapsed on the ground Dale gave a word of advice. "There’s nothing wrong with my porridge you uncultured bastard."

As Chip pulled him away from his fallen victim, Dale still managed to aim one last kick at the victim’s head. The victim just gave a muffled groan.

"Come on, we’d better find the rest of them while there’s still time," said Chip as he led the way back into the interior of the Sap Cave.

"Hey bro," said Dale, "how come we got to do all the rescuing around here? The others were supposed to have Blondie out by now. How come we’ve got to do everything. Why is it that when I come up with a good plan, everyone else screws it up? Why do we have to mmmfff."

Chip’s hand was pressed tightly over Dale’s mouth. Chip then moved his mouth next to Dale’s ear. All the time Dale was watching him warily.

"Why the fuck don’t you shut up?" Shouted Chip, "Why not just announce to every one of the Sapper’s goons in the vicinity that we’re here? We’re supposed to be doing this quietly, do you understand?"

Dale nodded his understanding. Chip removed his hand so Dale could talk. They looked at each for a long second. Finally Dale said, "Yeh but why is it always us? I mean…."

"Fucking hell, are you deaf as well as stupid?" asked Chip. "Which part of ‘be fucking quiet’ are you having difficulty with?"

"None." Replied Dale, "I just wanna know why it’s always my plans that get fucked up. It isn’t fair."

"I’ll tell you what isn’t fair," announced a new voice. "It isn’t fair that you messed with our show."

The two brothers looked around and saw several of the Sapper’s goon squad armed to the teeth. They were all eyeing the brothers with an intense menace.

"Fuck off," said Dale, "this is a private argument."

"Yeh," added Chip, "Where’s your manners. Weren’t you told it’s rude to interrupt?"

"Bollocks to that," said their leader, "we’re gonna fry your ass!"

So Dale kicked him, hard, in the bollocks. His eyes went very round, his mouth formed a ‘O’ but nothing came out except a very tiny "Eeek". As he curled up on the floor, Dale kicked him in the head.

"I suppose you don’t like porridge either," he said.

Seeing their leader so readily dispatched should have served as some sort of warning to the remainder of the goon squad. But the Sapper sure can pick his men stupid. They charged in to the two chipmunks.

Chip threw two prepared Cashew nuts, the whistling as they flew through the air towards their victims unnerved the charging villains. As the expertly chucked nuts found their targets and rendered them unconscious, Dale was explaining some of the finer points of Nut-Jitsu to another goon.

"You see Nut-Jitsu is all about nuts, different types of nuts. I’m going to show you."

"Oh yeh, what a load of bollocks," said his adversary.

"Exactly," replied Dale as he applied pressure to the pliers he’d maneuvered around his victim’s balls. "In fact, Crushed Nuts."

As the two Cashew nuts returned to Chip’s hands, the remaining goons fled down the corridor.

The next thing Magrat knew the room was full of the Sapper’s men, and then the Sapper came in after them. She did notice that he had a pained expression on his face and was walking in a rather peculiar fashion. Cunobelin turned to fight his way out but the goons had surrounded the jar containing La Wietch.

"One false move and she’s a gonna." Said the Sapper. "Take her from the Sappershite without the special precautions and ppffffttt, dead."

"Better move away from there, Cunobelin, he means it," said Magrat.

Cunobelin moved over to stand with Magrat. The Sapper then noticed Bez-Wik, still trying to sort his camera out.

"Oi, HugeCalves, you can bloody well join ‘em." The Sapper was in a foul mood.

Chip and Dale dived into an access tunnel in an effort to get away from the pack of idiots chasing them around the corridors. They crawled along it for a few moments. Everything quiet in the dark. Suddenly Chip stopped and Dale bumped into him.

"What’s up?" He asked.

"Shhhh, I can hear some faint voices," replied Chip.

Dale pushed forward straining to hear them for himself. That’s when they both discovered that the tunnel dropped sharply, just in front of them.

"Shit, nooo Daleeee," Chip cried out as he grabbed hold of the nearest thing to stop him falling over the edge. Unfortunately the nearest thing was Dale, who was pushing forward to hear what was going on. The pair of them plunged down the tunnel.

The Sapper was in mid gloat when he heard a distant wailing. It was getting closer. It was getting closer really fast. Just then Bez-Wik got his camera working and the flash went off. Right in the Sapper’s face. In shock he stepped back and banged the jar containing La Wietch, which fell over with a loud crash. Sappershite went everywhere. A brief moment of stunned silence was rudely broken by the sight, and sound, of two chipmunks dropping through a panel in the ceiling with a loud ‘Waaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr’ from one, and a ‘whoppppppeeeeeeeee’ from the other.

Chip landed on top of four of the Sapper’s men, sending them flying in all directions. Dale landed on top of the Sapper and bounced off. Cunobelin joined in the fight that had developed around Chip and the rest of the Sapper’s guards. Magrat waded in to the fray brandishing her wooden spoon a malicious grin on her face. Dale got up and kicked the Sapper between the legs. Nothing happened. The Sapper just grinned evilly at Dale.

"You can’t hurt what isn’t there, bro," shouted Chip. As he used a combination Walnut-Hazel nut to render some foes unconscious.

"So what’s tha gonna do now then?" sneered the Sapper to Dale.

"This," said Dale, as he shoved a handful of his porridge in to the face before him.

Coughing, choking and wheezing the Sapper fled the room. Leaving his men to the tender mercies of Magrat and Cunobelin. It was soon all over. Everyone gathered around the still form of La Wietch. Lying where she’d fallen amongst the remains of the jar.

"She’s a gonna," said Cunobelin. "The Sapper said she’s a gonna if the correct procedures for bringing her out of the Sappershite weren’t followed."

"What do we do?" Asked Magrat, "There’s got to be something we can do."

"Oohhhh, I’ve seen this before," said Bez-Wik as he looked on.

"Well," said Chip in the silence that followed.

"It was in this car park, really nice one it was. It had proper barriers and ticket machines and everything," said Bez-Wik. "I remember, each space had it's own little number ...."

"Fuck the car park," shouted Chip, "What about this?" He said pointing to La Wietch.

"Mouth to mouth resuscitation." Answered Bez-Wik.

"I don’t like the sound of that," said Dale, "sounds dangerous."

"She's a gonna all right," said Chip, looking rather pained. "It's a pity really."

"Oh and why is that then?" asked Magrat.

"Well, that's easy MadRat," interrupted Dale, "it was her turn to do the dishes, and there's a shit load of them waiting back at the Tree house."

Magrat looked at the pair of Chipmunks before her. "Well one of you better do something or I'm going to spoon the pair of you into the middle of next year. And when you get there you'll find no nuts and no beer."

"Bollocks!" Was Dale's educated and considered reply. "We're not worried about that are we bro?" And in his enthusiasm he slapped Chip on the back. Unfortunately Chip was examining a piece of the Sappershite at the time, holding it up to the light. Dale just happened to knock him forward enough so that he dropped the Sappershite. It hit him on the head, hard. Chip saw stars, then planets and finally flying elephants before he heard the apologies from his brother.

"Errr..... sorry bro. You okay?"

"Yeah, fine. Let's get the fuck out of here before those assholes come back." Replied Chip.

"What about Blondie?" Asked Dale. "We leaving her, bringing her or what. Cos if we're bringing her you're going to have to do that mouth to mouth whatever the fuck it was." Dale was aware of the fact that the blow to his brother's head had temporarily stunned him. Despite everything he'd said, he didn't want to be spooned into next year and certainly wanted his nuts and beer. With Chip stunned like this, he could get him to do the dangerous stuff and save the beer and nuts.

So it was that Chip unthinkingly knelt down and gave La Wietch the mouth to mouth resuscitation. With Magrat, Cunobelin, Bez-Wik and Dale all looking on in disbelief and wonder. After a couple of minutes, La Wietch's eyes began to open and her breathing came in ragged gasps. She looked around her and saw Chip kneeling by her, a strange look on his face.

"What the fuck is going on?" She asked.

"Mistress," cried Cunobelin, "you were encased in Sappershite. We thought that we'd lost you for good."

"We're not THAT lucky," muttered Dale.

"Chip and Dale came up with a plan to rescue you from the Sapper. And that's what we've done." Announced Magrat with pride.

"Yeah, well I suggest that Cumhobelin carries Blondie, MadRat leads the way and I'll take care of Chip," said Dale.

"What's up with Chip?" Asked La Wietch.

"Nuttin," replied Dale, "just a little too much mouth to mouth recreation. Hehehe smk smk smk"

Eventually they all managed to get to the ranger-mobile. They said good bye to Bez-Wik, who was busy taking even more photographs of the car park. Chip had recovered enough to drive and so Cunobelin stayed in the back looking after a very much weakened La Wietch.

By the time they got back to the TreeHouse, Little 'n' had finsihed unloading all the nuts and beer that had been stolen from the Sap Cave during the first part of the rescue. Having adequately tested all the items for any form of Sapper poison, he was well and truly pissed.

La Wietch was allowed only one small drink and a small handful of nuts. This was for 'medical reasons', explained the three Chipmunks. When Magrat questioned the validity of that, Cunobelin sided with the Chipmunks. "In her weakened condition, any more may be harmful," was his explanation. Secretly Magrat felt that they just didn't want to waste any beer or nuts on La Wietch, but when Chip gave her a bar of chocolate she suddenly saw the medical sense in it after all.

The Epilogue

Well there you have it. La Wietch has been rescued from the despicable and evil clutches of the Sapper. Little 'n' got a shit load more beer and nuts than he'd ever seen in his life before. Cunobelin found someone who would have a drink with him without threatening to turn him into a toad. Magrat found a mentor and way of life that allowed her to get the best of both worlds, to have her chocolate and eat it. Bez-Wik got some good photos of car parks to add to his collection. What of Dale, what did he gain from the adventure? Well, he still hasn't found anyone who likes his porridge but he did get to beat up on the Sapper a bit and he still has a store full of nuts (Buttered popcorn flavour!). Mentioning the Sapper, he can't walk past a mop without clenching his buttocks. As for Chip, well one day the spell may wear off, in which case Dale is going to get the shit kicked out of him. But until then ..... Euch !!!!! ;-)

Chip, Dale and the others will be back soon with a new and exciting adventure....!!